I woke up today at around 11am in a crazy 8600 square foot mansion in Scarsdale, NY. Scarsdale is exclusive. This aint Manhattan, where just anybody can acquire some square footage to lay their head..Scarsdale has levels to this shit!! Jay-Z and Bey have a crib here..the former NBA Commissioner David Stern lives here...my neighbor is a fuckin' plastic surgeon with a fly Brazilian wife who's tits and ass are as fake as they come, and exactly to the doctors likings--cuz he can do that shit! When you're rich and famous, and your neighbor is a doctor--that means you made it. What would I look like living next to another rapper? This aint a fuckin rap community--I aint tryin to battle you in the cul-de-sac! I want my fuckin neighbors to hate me cuz im black and rich!! Except I'm Puerto Rican. I'm trying to make them think I'm Mexican though--so they could hate me more! Mad Corona cases everywhere on my lawn!
Anyway..Contrary to what most niggas believe is fact, most rappers don't wake up wit bad bitches in their bed every morning...This aint no Aventura video. Most of the time, they wake up wit' fat ugly black groupies that suck the meat off ya dick like a chicken bone from Buffalo Wild Wings. But sometimes you get those bad joints...it aint like in the music videos--them bitches is expensive and if you a nigga like Chief Keef you aint payin for shit--and if you aint spoilin and trickin on these chicks--they aint givin u a damn thing nowadays!!
See, when i came up in the game--chicks just loved bein' around the game--they just appreciated their hoeish positions in this world and was down to buff the squad. Now, every chick wanna be the next Supahead and the next Evelyn Lozada..they wanna parlay my dick, into a book or into a baby..FOH
So back to this morning...
After i threw 320lb Monifah and her coffee cake wrappers out the bed and out the West wing of my crib, I watched her big ass walk down my .25 mile driveway to make sure she ain't throw herself into some bushes to hide out and stalk my ass. I even took out my 24k gold telescope to ensure maximum viewage and shit, porque ella ta loca!! I ca' see that shit...My grandma, RIP, she always used to be into that spiritual shit--she used to ca' tell me all the time when I was gonna be bad at school or get into a fight..shit was crazy--she passed it down to me--so now I have the uncanny ability to tell when chicks are gonna get batshit crazy and swing at me or try and chop my fuckin juevos off...Fuckin crazy.. thank you Ma.
Yo so i keep getting sidetracked...but anyway..so back to my day n shit.
So..after I saw Elephant Feet Monifah leave my estate grounds, I went to the 3rd floor kitchen, where my personal trainer and chef Yasiris Reyes, Dominican girl ofcourse, cuz you know when I want some Mangu after I do the stairmaster, she ca' hook that shit up for me, but like mad healthy!! Im a fat nigga--so I can care less about bein a shape--its just about havin a bad dominican measuring my waist n shit on a daily basis--sometime I get hard on purpose so it pokers her hands when shes reaching around to measure me..lol, that shit is funny..."ayyyyy que fresco!!" lol I love that shit..
shes cool peoples though...I think i ca' beat...Ima bet her that if i lose 2 lbs in a month that i get to hit from the back--that would be the easiest bet..cuz i just take a shit before the weigh in and im good!!
So anyway...she cooked me egg whites and turkey bacon..turkey bacon cuz i like to act like Muslim. Its just good for business...alot of niggas in this business are Muslims, or fake ass Muslims, but they all dont eat pork..its crazy..so sometimes you gotta follow the leader n shit.
So, after I worked out n shit, I prob actually did like 14 push ups and like 2 sit ups cuz I be cheating--Yasiris always leaves the room n shit to take selfies for instagram, so she just be leaving me thinking im doing the work but really i aint doing that shit lol..im too hood for a push up!
So after Yasi left, I went upstairs and took a shower, and watched some porno and then ate some baby bell cheese in the bed..you know that baby bell shit is crack and its like every hood niggas favorite delicacy n shit..fuck a kraft cheese slice--you aint pimpin if you aint unpackin ya cheese out of red wax bitch!
I ate my queso, i took a shower and then I asked Juancito to get the Bentley ready so we could go down to Ridge Hill mall to get fresh, cop some gear and eat some fattening shit.
So we hit the Brazil BBQ spot...thats my joint!!!!
niggas ate like kings!!!! mad steaks, chicken, sausage, alllllllll that nigga shit!!!
we was stuffed like crazy...but..you already know a few patron shots would get a nigga good to go real quick---so we took some shots, called it a day the buffet, and bounced..
We headed to Dyckman to La Marina n shit..Yo..just cuz im a rapper, dont mean i dont go to places late as shit!! I like to be early...cuz i like to bag all the bitches early before they get drunk n shit so that way when they get drunk, the last cool nigga they remember is this fat nigga right here!!
SO..i got dressed..i put on some basic shit..footlocker sweat pants, some pheonix suns foamposites, my white v neck, and a fat cuban kilo round my neck...basic..basic..splashed on some Bvlgari, threw on the AP, and hopped into the passenger side of the GT Coupe...basic basic...top down...Hutch, to I95 South to 180th street and we up in the heights like it was nothin!!
Yo..when we hit the heights..it's all love..Dominican mamis all over the whip, tryin to get close so they could walk into La Marina wit me, cuz you already know i skip the line..but, them bitches dont get no love--maybe when you suck off Juancito in the whip, maybeeeeeeeeeee you could get in..tomorrow.
All love in LM..was there for like 4 hours, mad Ciroc bottles, mad bitches, mad drunk!!!
And then they asked me to hit the stage to do my new joint "Suck my Coqui"..shit is dope...
"Suck my coqui, suck my coqui, mami deep throat, and dont use ya teeth"...thats the illest hook ever!!
I came up wit that shit on the PJ back from PR last year n shit..i was gettin head from the stewardess and she had a coqui tattoo on her neck..so it was just a perfect storm..and then when her teeth scraped my shit--i knew i had a smash hit on my hands!!
So...i did the track..stepped off stage and went right back to the fat girls at my table...Juancito bagged the one cute chick in their crew, and ofcourse the rhino's had to come along cuz I was there and they wanted to IG pics wit me n shit...they smelled like buckets of fried chicken and old Dos Equis beers..nasty bitches..
YO...why if you like a grown woman you stink???? how that shit works?? you dont shower??
bitch, jump in the hudson wit a bar of shit--you'd smell better then you do right now i bet!!
damnit...
gettin me mad...
SO anyway...it was like 1130, and i dont stay up late n shit..cuz a nigga need his fat beauty sleep--cuz im a fat beautiful nigga n shit..so, we bounced...Juancito took the cute chick, and i looked at the other Rhinos and picked the smallest one and those 2 bitches squeezed in the backseat of the GT..
Yo how that bitch took like 5 minutes to get into the backseat..lol...
"damn, i dont think i fit" that bitch said..lol i had to chuckle at that bitch...but then i looked at her fat back, and i was like yeahhhhhhhhhh---i gotta hit that, so i shoe-horned her ass into the back seat and we ghosted.
I needed to hit the studio when i got home cuz im working on "Boricua Fuck ya Speakuh 2"..so i did two or 3 tracks wit Juancito, and we trizzed the cute chick while the Rhino watched Whos the Boss and ate celery like she was a skinny bitch...that bitch looked in my fridge, and i had cheesecake, carrot cake, and celery--and she chose rotten celery to look skinny...its not like it was a facade..behind the celery i still see a fat bitch that im gonna fuck regardless..but thats another story..
i fell asleep on the couch and Juancito called a taxi for the rhino and her friend. no cab fare!! foh!
till tomorrow...til we do it all over again!!!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
Wrestlemania 30 Reaction
Fresh off the heels of one of the most amazing WWE WRESTLEMANIAS to ever take place, there are plenty of reactions and feelings that need to be digested.
Im not interested in breaking down the entire ppv...but i just want to talk about the big stuff...fuck it.
The opening for Wrestlemania 30 had to have been one of the biggest star studded promos ever cut by the WWE. Hulk Hogan came out and began talking about how happy he was to be in the SilverDome, but, he really meant to say SuperDome. He flubbed his words, but regained his traction, but was cut short by the most recognizable soundbite ever created by man----THE SHATTERING GLASS of the baddest SOB in the world-----STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!
Stone Cold was his regular awesome self ofcourse on the mic..he had the crowd hanging on his every word..the WHAT? chants were in full effect and his thanks to Hulk Hogan for everything he's done for the business was an amazing gesture...until.......while just the two of them sat in the ring...the next most recognizable music began to play as the ROCK'S music hit to the cheers of 76000 people!
God this was a moment for me that was so nostalgic. I, like many others, have watched all 3 of these icons perform since i was a kid, and seeing all of them in the ring at once was surreal. I was taken back to being a freaking 13 yr old prepubescent child with no hair on my balls thinking i was the the shit cuz i would say "it doesnt matter what you think!!" or "because Big Hec said so!!"
Seeing these 3 guys in the ring was so amazing...the Rock grabbed the mic and had the usual Rock swag flowing---some rhymes, some laughs, and some good moments, especially when he thanked Hogan and gave props to Austin and called them both the top 2 stars in wrestling history--it was everything you knew he'd be when he touched the biggest stage of them all.
Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and The Rock--said all of their taglines, right before cracking open some beers in the ring and cheering it up the WWE Universe and Wrestlemania 30.
What a way to start 'Mania!!
quick notes that im happy about:
1)Cesaro winning the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
2)AJ Lee retaining the Divas Championship
3)The Usos Retaining the Tag Team Straps
4)Bray Wyatt looking like a beast even though he lost to John Cena
5)The Shield absolutely murdering the New Age Outlaws and Kane
BUT...
The most obvious and glaring Wrestlemania moment that fuckin' shocked the wrestling world is the fact that the Undertaker was defeated by Brock Lesnar and ultimately ended the heralded and coveted 21 year Wrestlemania winning streak.
This streak has been so highly touted by the WWE and it is such a selling point for the WWE that this blogger was absolutely shocked and awed and so was every person in the Mercedes Benz Superdome and everyone that was watching on the WWE Network and PPV when it was fucking killed.
The streak was the personification of the Deadman. The Undertaker's aura was that of a fucking Demon that was impervious to pain, a man that was not a man, but a living Legend that had no end in sight.
But April 6th, 2014 would be the day that the Streak, along with the Deadman, would forever be changed and it would be over. Never did we think the Undertaker would ever leave a Wrestlemania with a fucking loss, but, it happened. It happened at the hands of Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar, flanked by Paul Heyman, really did have the ability to break the streak. He actually was a formidable opponent to the streak, and has proved it by defeating many of the WWE's top stars. He has shown his dominance and ability to decimate anybody who gets in his way, but, even with the allure that comes with Brock Lesnar, defeating the Streak was undoubtedly above Brock's paygrade.
With a few importantly timed counters to the Undertakers Hells Gate, punishing German suplexes, and 3 F5's, Brock Lesnar successfully completed the task that had been failed 21 other times. He defeated the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, and defeated the Streak. He is now in the annals of Wrestlemania History as the man who conquered the unconquerable.
Speaking of unconquerable...
Daniel Bryans legacy was cemented and he finally achieved his Wrestlemania moment by defeating Randy Orton, and Dave Batista in the Main Event for the World Heavyweight Championship Title. Daniel Bryan had a tough road to the Main Event, having to defeat Triple H in the opening match of the PPV. The HHH match had some very good spots, both because of Bryan and HHH, and even Stephanie played a big part in the match as the mouthpiece for her husband.
Daniel Bryan was entered into the main event after cleanly pinning Triple H, but not before a final beating at the hands of the same man after the match had ended. Bryan was pummeled by HHH and Stephanie after the bell rung, which led to a chair shot to the already injured shoulder of Daniel Bryan. This left us with the thoughts that DB would have an even tougher time, and possibly not even manage to be a part of the main event at all. During the show, they cut in to Bryan in the trainers office being tended to, and I got the feeling it was just to add to the mystique that he would overcome the odds once again, and defeat the Authority, and the main event participants.
At the opening of the match, DB came out strong with a few flying knees and some muay thai kicks to the legs of Batista and Orton.
I went into the match thinking that Batista was going to win..then i saw how weak Batista looked and just thought no way is he going to win.
DB kept the match flowing--especially since Batista and Ortons chemistry really was not present.
The highlight of the match was when Orton and Batista actually showed life...they teamed up to combine a Batista bomb and an RKO on Bryan through the Spanish announce table.((SICK!!))
Anyway....DB was being carted off on a stretcher, but got the 2nd wind, like Hulk Hogan used to, hopped off the stretcher, ran back to the ring, and began to get his legs back...his shoulder issues were a nonfactor at that point. He hit the running knee, and pinned Batista for the win.
The streamers, confetti, and Yes signs all but covered the SuperDome while Bryan held the belts up high on the top rope while the Yes! chants rained down during a spectacular Wrestlemania Moment for Daniel Bryan as he took home the undisputed World Heavyweight Championship to close the show!
Overall....The Streak ending, in my opinion, really put a damper on the ENTIRE ppv. I really had no motivation to even watch it anymore after 'Taker lost. The Daniel Bryan victory really lost some steam because of the Streak ending..it kinda sucked the life and wind out of everyone it seemed.
Luckily, the WWE Universe and fuckfaces like me have short memories--so hopefully we forget about the Undertaker until next years Wrestlemania when we wish he was back and then get pissed off all over again about the streak ending.
But...I think Taker has had his last match...he's done..but it was a great run!
I give the PPV an overall A rating. It would have been an A+ if the Streak was kept in tact.
Big Hec
Im not interested in breaking down the entire ppv...but i just want to talk about the big stuff...fuck it.
The opening for Wrestlemania 30 had to have been one of the biggest star studded promos ever cut by the WWE. Hulk Hogan came out and began talking about how happy he was to be in the SilverDome, but, he really meant to say SuperDome. He flubbed his words, but regained his traction, but was cut short by the most recognizable soundbite ever created by man----THE SHATTERING GLASS of the baddest SOB in the world-----STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!
Stone Cold was his regular awesome self ofcourse on the mic..he had the crowd hanging on his every word..the WHAT? chants were in full effect and his thanks to Hulk Hogan for everything he's done for the business was an amazing gesture...until.......while just the two of them sat in the ring...the next most recognizable music began to play as the ROCK'S music hit to the cheers of 76000 people!
God this was a moment for me that was so nostalgic. I, like many others, have watched all 3 of these icons perform since i was a kid, and seeing all of them in the ring at once was surreal. I was taken back to being a freaking 13 yr old prepubescent child with no hair on my balls thinking i was the the shit cuz i would say "it doesnt matter what you think!!" or "because Big Hec said so!!"
Seeing these 3 guys in the ring was so amazing...the Rock grabbed the mic and had the usual Rock swag flowing---some rhymes, some laughs, and some good moments, especially when he thanked Hogan and gave props to Austin and called them both the top 2 stars in wrestling history--it was everything you knew he'd be when he touched the biggest stage of them all.
Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and The Rock--said all of their taglines, right before cracking open some beers in the ring and cheering it up the WWE Universe and Wrestlemania 30.
What a way to start 'Mania!!
quick notes that im happy about:
1)Cesaro winning the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
2)AJ Lee retaining the Divas Championship
3)The Usos Retaining the Tag Team Straps
4)Bray Wyatt looking like a beast even though he lost to John Cena
5)The Shield absolutely murdering the New Age Outlaws and Kane
BUT...
The most obvious and glaring Wrestlemania moment that fuckin' shocked the wrestling world is the fact that the Undertaker was defeated by Brock Lesnar and ultimately ended the heralded and coveted 21 year Wrestlemania winning streak.
This streak has been so highly touted by the WWE and it is such a selling point for the WWE that this blogger was absolutely shocked and awed and so was every person in the Mercedes Benz Superdome and everyone that was watching on the WWE Network and PPV when it was fucking killed.
The streak was the personification of the Deadman. The Undertaker's aura was that of a fucking Demon that was impervious to pain, a man that was not a man, but a living Legend that had no end in sight.
But April 6th, 2014 would be the day that the Streak, along with the Deadman, would forever be changed and it would be over. Never did we think the Undertaker would ever leave a Wrestlemania with a fucking loss, but, it happened. It happened at the hands of Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar, flanked by Paul Heyman, really did have the ability to break the streak. He actually was a formidable opponent to the streak, and has proved it by defeating many of the WWE's top stars. He has shown his dominance and ability to decimate anybody who gets in his way, but, even with the allure that comes with Brock Lesnar, defeating the Streak was undoubtedly above Brock's paygrade.
With a few importantly timed counters to the Undertakers Hells Gate, punishing German suplexes, and 3 F5's, Brock Lesnar successfully completed the task that had been failed 21 other times. He defeated the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, and defeated the Streak. He is now in the annals of Wrestlemania History as the man who conquered the unconquerable.
Speaking of unconquerable...
Daniel Bryans legacy was cemented and he finally achieved his Wrestlemania moment by defeating Randy Orton, and Dave Batista in the Main Event for the World Heavyweight Championship Title. Daniel Bryan had a tough road to the Main Event, having to defeat Triple H in the opening match of the PPV. The HHH match had some very good spots, both because of Bryan and HHH, and even Stephanie played a big part in the match as the mouthpiece for her husband.
Daniel Bryan was entered into the main event after cleanly pinning Triple H, but not before a final beating at the hands of the same man after the match had ended. Bryan was pummeled by HHH and Stephanie after the bell rung, which led to a chair shot to the already injured shoulder of Daniel Bryan. This left us with the thoughts that DB would have an even tougher time, and possibly not even manage to be a part of the main event at all. During the show, they cut in to Bryan in the trainers office being tended to, and I got the feeling it was just to add to the mystique that he would overcome the odds once again, and defeat the Authority, and the main event participants.
At the opening of the match, DB came out strong with a few flying knees and some muay thai kicks to the legs of Batista and Orton.
I went into the match thinking that Batista was going to win..then i saw how weak Batista looked and just thought no way is he going to win.
DB kept the match flowing--especially since Batista and Ortons chemistry really was not present.
The highlight of the match was when Orton and Batista actually showed life...they teamed up to combine a Batista bomb and an RKO on Bryan through the Spanish announce table.((SICK!!))
Anyway....DB was being carted off on a stretcher, but got the 2nd wind, like Hulk Hogan used to, hopped off the stretcher, ran back to the ring, and began to get his legs back...his shoulder issues were a nonfactor at that point. He hit the running knee, and pinned Batista for the win.
The streamers, confetti, and Yes signs all but covered the SuperDome while Bryan held the belts up high on the top rope while the Yes! chants rained down during a spectacular Wrestlemania Moment for Daniel Bryan as he took home the undisputed World Heavyweight Championship to close the show!
Overall....The Streak ending, in my opinion, really put a damper on the ENTIRE ppv. I really had no motivation to even watch it anymore after 'Taker lost. The Daniel Bryan victory really lost some steam because of the Streak ending..it kinda sucked the life and wind out of everyone it seemed.
Luckily, the WWE Universe and fuckfaces like me have short memories--so hopefully we forget about the Undertaker until next years Wrestlemania when we wish he was back and then get pissed off all over again about the streak ending.
But...I think Taker has had his last match...he's done..but it was a great run!
I give the PPV an overall A rating. It would have been an A+ if the Streak was kept in tact.
Big Hec
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